On Not Wanting Children

I make it no secret that I have no desire to have any children.  Most people are appalled by this, and most people try to convince me otherwise.

Generally I’ll smile and nod, but frankly, I get really annoyed when I hear the following questions or comments:

Does Sam want children?
100% yes.  Our pre-nup says that our marriage is only supposed to last for 8 months, then we’ll divorce and he’ll find a partner who wants to have kids, and I’ll go along my merry way.
Do you honestly think that we would’ve even gotten married if he was pro-kids and I was against?

Don’t your parents want grandchildren?
I’m sure they do.

You’ll change your mind in a few years.
Actually, I don’t think I will.  If anything, I’ve gotten progressively more child-free in the past few years, because I’ve recognized the value of free time, vacation money, and A FULL NIGHT’S REST.
Also, please, by all means, if we’re predicting futures here, I want to know what the weather will be in 3 months, because I want to plan my outfit for that day.

You don’t want to experience the miracle of birth?
No.  Honestly I think pregnancy is really creepy; I can never understand why other people want to touch pregnant women’s stomachs – that would absolutely terrify me (both in the sense of being touched, and touching a distended belly).  Also, it also freaks me out when pregnant women rest their hands on top of their stomach, like it’s an arm rest.  No idea why, it just does.

It’s so different with your own kids.
I have no doubt it is, because I cannot just walk away from my own child when it is screaming at the restaurant.  But the vomiting, spitting up, crying, keeping a constant eye on a toddler experiences are ones I do not care to have, ever.  I don’t even want a PUPPY; why would I want a CHILD?  Puppies can be potty-trained and obedience-trained within a month, and even that seems like too much work for me.  Also, the creepiest thing is when moms say that their kids’ vomit/poop doesn’t smell.  UHHHHHHHH…

But you and Sam would have such cute kids.
You’re probably right – mixed babies are the cutest.  We don’t think the world can handle any more cuteness, so we just won’t have kids.

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