My Wingdog

When I first adopted Dog, everyone was like, oh my God you are going to meet so many cute guys with this creature.

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Let me tell you about how I had pretty much the exact opposite experience.  I was mostly single for the first 3 years that I had him, and not once did I meet a single, straight guy while I was out with Dog.

I believe there’s a common thing that people leave out when they say “dogs are great pickup tools for snagging yourself a date.”  For single guys to have any kind of dog, that’s like a gold mine.  Girls will be all over that.  But for single girls to have a fuzzy, floppy, Muppet-like dog, the only types of people you will attract are gay men, other women, and families with children.

I never really actually expected to land a date from having Dog.  I didn’t adopt him so I could meet people – I adopted him because he was cute, fuzzy and liked to sleep in.  But the incredible irony of this entire situation is that ever since I started being in a relationship, Dog has led me to a bunch of men (straight, though marital status unknown).

Dog does not have the best senses.  He doesn’t use his nose to sniff people out, nor can he see very well.  I think he’s near-sighted, but a trainer once told me that different dogs have differently-shaped eyes for whatever they’re meant to do with their lives; obviously being a sheep-herder is nowhere in his destiny, so he does not have eyes meant for scanning the horizon.  I’m going to stick with the theory that he’s just near-sighted.

One afternoon, Sam and I were taking him for a walk when we discovered that we had no more poop bags.  And OF COURSE this was right after Dog took a massive dump, so we couldn’t just hightail it out of there.  Luckily we were only about two blocks from home, so Sam ran home to grab a new roll of bags, and Dog and I stayed behind so people who happened to be watching wouldn’t think that we were irresponsible.

As Sam took off, Dog freaked out and tried to go after him.  I told him to sit, and he waited impatiently for Sam to come back, never looking away from the direction in which Sam ran.  I tried to distract him, but he remained glued to his post.

After a few minutes, a guy came walking our way.  He was about the same height and build as Sam.  Dog became really excited and tried to run over to him, wagging his tail.  Luckily the guy found it amusing, and I had to explain that Dog thought he was someone else.  After Dog realized it wasn’t Sam, he went right back to his spot on the sidewalk and continued to stare down the street.

The same thing happened yesterday when I took Dog for a walk sans Sam (part of my staycation duties).  As we headed up the street, a guy came out from an apartment building wearing Sam-style (aka Marina Boy) clothes.  Since we were about 8 feet in front of this guy, Dog kept trying to run back towards him, and I’m sure the guy was a bit freaked out, seeing as Dog is pretty big, and having a large animal lunge towards you repeatedly is not a common occurrence.  I finally had to explain to him that Dog thought he was someone else.

I won’t lie and say these guys weren’t cute.  They totally were.  I mean, they sort of looked like Sam (the funny thing is, all the guys who Dog confused with Sam had the same facial hair stylings as Sam), and of course I think Sam is cute (I’ve told Sam before that if I hadn’t thought he was cute, I wouldn’t marry him because I’m really superficial like that.  He thinks I’m kidding, but I am really not).

The moral of the story is, if you’re a single girl and want to have an instant icebreaker for talking to a cute guy, don’t get a floppy fuzzy Muppet.  Get something more manly, and guys are suckers for rescue dogs (hint: it makes you look like you have a really big warm heart, even if you’re heartless).

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